Wednesday, January 21, 2015

21st Century Relationships

Phew, it has been a long time since I've blogged. For a while this blog was my baby. I had a job that had me stationed in front of a computer for eight hours a day, and after a while I realized how perfect it was for my writing hobby. I loved it. I could just be at the desk all day, do my job and blog at the same time. Then, I left that job in April of last year and went back to slinging coffees for a living. Which I loooove, but it leaves me with much less time to write. On top of that, I've been struggling through the longest bout of writer's block I've ever experienced. I like to blog about what I'm passionate about or whatever comes to mind, but the problem with that is that half the time the only things IN my mind are the things I'm passionate about...and I figure most people don't want to constantly read my thoughts on the same topics. However, I've gotten over worrying about what other people think and have decided to write about whatever!

This morning I stumbled across some words that really caught my attention and got my wheels turning:

"Dating in the 21st century is by far one of the most ridiculous processes ever. People are so complicated. You must play games. You must lie. You have to act like you don't care even if you do. You must date multiple people to keep the attention of that one because it's generally just casual. You must be unavailable because if you are too available people get turned off. You have to ignore calls even if you want to pick up. Essentially, if you are a true lover, you have to resist everything that comes natural to you to play this fucking "game" you fucking idiots love to play. It changes everything for me to pretend like I don't care. I actually stop giving a fuck."
I wish I could find the person that wrote this and get on my knees and kiss the ground they walk on. Not because they're some brilliant genius, but because they get it. Because they can see the flaws in modern dating, haven't allowed themselves to turn completely blind and fall into it, and because they are passionate about it. What they said was 100% true and I wish everybody could see that.

What that person said got me thinking and reflecting on the relationships I observe around me. Every time I log onto any social media platform, it's guaranteed that I see somebody airing their dirty laundry online for the public to see. Every day I see my friends being hurt or hurting others because of all these games people play with each other while dating these days. People love to bitch about their relationships and wonder what's going wrong. What the person said in the above excerpt covers just a FEW of the reasons why your relationship might be falling short of what you want it to be. If you want your relationship to be healthy and to grow every day, as it should, then you need to stop acting like the average teenager. Stop playing mind games, stop being unfaithful, stop hiding things and keeping secrets, stop lying, stop being an asshole, stop with the bullshit. Stop trying to manipulate your partner. When the hell did that become the new "thing"? To manipulate and brainwash people into doing what you want? If you want something to change or for your partner to do something for you, then communicate that with them. Tell them what you want and figure out how you can accomplish that as a team. Because that's what you are when you're dating somebody. So many people act like it's them against their partner. It should be the two of you against the world.

Don't worry about being "too available", caring "too much" or playing hard to get so they "chase" you. It's beyond stupid. There's no way in hell I'd even want to be with a person who thought it was possible for me to care about them or our relationship "too much", or who would say that I was "too available". I know it's cliche, but follow your HEART. Don't make love and relationships into this crazy science so that your brain has to constantly solve equations on how much time or attention you should give somebody, or so you have to figure out your next move. Love isn't a game and neither are relationships. Want to text or even call your partner (imagine that)? Do it. Don't wait for them because you're mad or because you want them to reach out first. Want to spend time together? Start making plans. Don't worry about how much time you've already spent with them or how "available" it might make you look. Yes, distance is good sometimes, but don't over analyze everything like it's rocket science.

Beyond the mind games and manipulation of modern dating, there are still issues that have been around since the beginning of time when it comes to relationships. And as far as those go, my number one piece of advice is to TREAT YOUR PARTNER LIKE YOU DID IN THE BEGINNING...or better. Shocking concept I know. I'm not some love expert but I'm happy as hell with my relationship and that has to be worth something. In the beginning you aren't necessarily fully comfortable, so you don't pick fights over the stupid shit. You do everything you can to keep the person you're dating happy and to not upset them. You let them do the little annoying things and you don't get upset because either 1.) You think it's cute for some reason or 2.) You know it's not worth hurting their feelings over, so you let them keep doing it and don't shut them down or get all pissy about it. Sometimes you'll even pretend you like certain things just because they do. Instead of only wanting to do what you like all the time. Open doors for her. Offer to buy his dinner every once in a while. Buy her flowers randomly. Bring him lunch to work. Tell her she looks pretty even when she's not trying (and kind of looks like hell that day). Tell him how good he looks all the time, how smart he is, or how much you appreciate him. When we start dating somebody we are so infatuated with them, with just the thought of being with them! We're like, "Man I lucked out, this girl/guy is great and everything about them is wonderful and I'm so happy I have somebody to hug and kiss and watch Netflix with and touch their genitals!" Bahaha, but really. These people are still the people we fell in love with years later (most of the time). They still have all the same great qualities or cute quirks that we love. We just allow ourselves to get so jaded after a while and stop appreciating them because it's easier to get irritated, selfish and greedy than it is to step up and put them first, or at least put some effort into our relationships every once in a while.

And lastly, DON'T DO THINGS THAT HURT YOUR PARTNER. I don't care if it's something you "like". Yes, you have to pay attention to your wants sometime. You deserve to be happy and can't abandon everything you enjoy for another person. BUT, if it's something fairly small and you don't really care about it but they do, just give it up. Even if you do care about it to a certain degree, if it truly hurts them and hurts your relationship, make a damn sacrifice for them because I'm sure they've made them for you. I promise a happy relationship is worth it. Relationships are about balance, give and take, and SACRIFICES. If you don't believe you should have to make sacrifices now and then for your partner, then maybe you shouldn't have one. There's nothing inherently wrong with not wanting to make sacrifices for other people or with wanting to be selfish. However, if that's what you want then you need to be single so you can have those things without hurting somebody else. Relationships aren't 50/50. They're 100/100. Don't kill each other over mistakes. They happen but they can be worked through, together. My boyfriend and I have both made sacrifices for each other and we've both made mistakes, but we take them on as a team, communicate, and end up stronger each time we butt heads. Side note: Even though mistakes can be worked through, it's always just better to try to avoid making them if at all possible (; Because sometimes they do cause permanent damage, and that's never worth it. "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."
Anyways, I'm so tired of watching all these people complain constantly about their partner/relationship and not actually expecting to have to work to make it better. It's not that hard people. And if your partner is playing these games with you, not making occasional sacrifices, or treating you like shit...then you should figure out what's going on and take the necessary actions. Love isn't easy, but it sure as hell isn't as complicated as people try to make it these days. And everybody deserves love, so don't forget that either. Unless you're some asshole that likes to commit crimes against humanity or something like that. Then you don't deserve shit.

My relationship isn't perfect, but shit, sometimes it feels like it is. I get tired of hearing people say, "You're so lucky" while referring to my relationship. I am extremely grateful for my boyfriend. He's a wonderful man and I'm fully aware of that. However, luck isn't what has made my relationship successful. It's only the reason he finds me attractive (;
But really, it hasn't been luck. It has been work. Years and years worth of work from both of us. Work that has had the biggest pay-off I've ever experienced.

Oh and here's a pretty funny article out there about modern dating, there are plenty. But remember, you don't have to deal with these things. Take your love life into your own hands <3 
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