Sunday, March 2, 2014

Let Them Talk. Talk is Cheap.

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There's the type of being "two-faced" where you'll see a person in public that you don't necessarily like and you'll be cordial to them, maybe even nice to them. However, that's really not what being two-faced is. That's called being mature enough to be able to see someone you dislike and to act respectful. Then there are the people who are truly two-faced. These people will act like they like you on a day to day basis, maybe even act like your friend and invest time in building a legitimate relationship with you, or at least it seems legitimate. Then whenever you're not around they'll tear you down and talk poorly about you. Sometimes the people they talk poorly about you to are your genuine friends, and that's where the two-faced person has made the real mistake. If talking shit about others behind their backs truly makes you feel better, then by all means do so (and I'm sorry). But if you don't want to get caught and get a bad reputation for being that kind of person, then be more careful about who you talk to. Hearing that a person you had a certain level of expectations or trust for talks badly about you is one of the most disappointing things. It doesn't hurt because I'm sad that a person doesn't like me, it hurts because I was foolish enough to trust so easily. And slowly throughout life, I'm learning that if you don't set such high expectations of people, you won't be disappointed as easily. 

Recently I've heard about a few people saying that I have "changed"...and they're saying this in a negative way. People are saying that I "used to be this" or I "used to be that", often comparing me to who I apparently "was" in high school. Who I am as a person has not changed over the past few years. I used to be weak and ignorant, so I guess I apologize that I'm not any longer. I was weak because I was easily influenced by others, I was too afraid to voice my opinions for fear of being criticized, I let people walk all over me, and I knew nothing about a lot of things. Between the end of high school until now, things have changed so much in my life. I went through a break up with somebody I had been with for years and had been living with, moved out of my parent's house, moved back in, had my parents divorce, moved out of dad's house and moved into mom's, had my little sister move across the state, had my dog pass away which was very traumatic for me, fell deeper in love, had to cope with a long distance relationship for over a year and a half, had my boyfriend move back home (yay!), had a few different jobs that taught me a lot about life, had a few friends lose their lives, had my mum get remarried, and MANY other things. Each of these things were tremendous learning experiences, and learning experiences cause people to adapt and "change". So why do some people consider changing a bad thing? Especially when they don't even know the first bit of your life story. Changes like these in a person's life are inevitable. And when changes like this happen, changes happen to the person. Cause and effect. 

Some things about me might be different than they were in the past. I'm not as quiet as I used to be. In fact, I'm pretty damn loud, outspoken, and obnoxious. I'm not as ignorant. If I have a conversation with you, odds are that I know what I'm talking about. I'm not as shy. I've found the beauty in meeting new people and reaching out. I'm not as easily influenced. I'm not a victim of peer pressure and people don't have the ability to mold my mind however they want anymore, because I've educated myself and have my own set of strong values and opinions. I'm not lost. I have a strong sense of self and I understand myself more than I ever have. I'm not a prisoner of my own body anymore. I used to wear baggy sweatshirts all the time and I remember sitting in class in middle school in June and just sweating buckets because I'd rather pass out than show people my body. And by "showing my body" I mean that I was terrified of wearing a t-shirt or even a normal long sleeved shirt. Or I remember going to the Aquatic Center or the water park and my mum having to ask the employees if I could wear a t-shirt and shorts in the water because I'd rather sit alone on the bleachers than wear a swim suit. Now, with the help of my family, supportive and loving boyfriend, and genuine friends...I can wear a bikini at the beach like the other girls. There are very few pictures of me from the ages 9-14, it's like I almost didn't exist. I hated myself from my skin, to my teeth, to my body, and I avoided cameras like the plague. But now, I do photo shoots from time to time and really enjoy it. No matter how much I may "change" throughout life, all that matters is that I'm happy with who I am. And when I hit times when I'm not happy with myself, I will change, and it will always be for the better. Because it will make me happier.

If I still was how I used to be in high school. Instead of thinking about these things and writing out my feelings in my blog, I would have gone up to the girls who have been talking poorly about me and confronted them. I would have gotten in their faces, called them out, embarrassed them, and asked them why they were being so "fake" and two-faced. I would have turned this into some huge, dramatic ordeal and let it influence whether or not I was happy and at peace. But now? Now I've grown up and I realize that it's not important. If these people want to talk about me then let them. I will slowly cut these people and the negativity they bring out of my life and I'll leave theirs...quietly and gracefully. Whether you prefer the "new" me or the "old" me, at the end of each day I can still lay down at night and know that I'm a genuine person. All I can do is be the best person I can be in my own eyes, and hope that others recognize my good intentions. You can do your best, but in the end it's impossible to please everybody. Take it from me and don't spend years of your life trying to make everybody happy. I already attempted that. Your best is not going to be enough for everyone and once you learn that, you'll be amazed at how liberating that knowledge is. Live for yourself, take care of yourself and those who take care of you, stay true to yourself, treat others with respect, be genuine...and that should be enough to bring you and those around you happiness. And embrace growth and adaptation. 

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